Me and My Dad

[BubbleBoy]

My relationship with my dad has never been that great, but it's to the point now where I want it to change more than anything, but I just don't know what to do. I don't often ask for prayer, but this is the one thing that has been almost constantly on my mind for the last few months, so I would really appreciate your consideration.

When I make contact with my dad, he is almost always yelling at someone for something. Someone's room is too messy or their homework didn't get finished or they did a worse job on something than he expected, and his expectations are always high. I can't recall ever seeing him content. Over time I've just stopped caring about his opinion and now I really only do the things he tells me to avoid confrontation. In the last few years, I’ve had an increasing urge to bash his face in, so I've pretty much just tried all I can to avoid any contact with him. He spends most of his time in his office, and I spend most of my time in my room, so that usually isn't too hard. I pretty much just see him during meals and during any family activities, which are not too frequent.

Basically, I have no respect for him anymore. I have tried to find the positive things about him, but all that is apparent is greed, impatience, anger, pride, love of money, and all sorts of selfish ambitions. He is a Christian, at least in name. He goes to church almost every Sunday and Wednesday, and he supports creation science and such things. But the way he lives is simply a terrible example of Christian life, and that's obvious to me.

A couple of weeks ago, my dad and I were driving to the second service at church. He had already gone to the first service, and he told me that the sermon was about parenting, and how important the roles of parents are in their children’s lives. He recognized that I had wanted nothing to do with him and expressed regret for it. He also acknowledged that he had a “temper”, but he made it clear that he didn’t know why I was avoiding him. I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything, but I had recently read Ephesians 6 and prayed a bit about it, so the matter was already on my mind.

I would love to have someone to look up to, to follow, to learn from, to model my life after, and to be proud of me. But I can’t help feeling like my dad is not that person. I feel like I just don’t really have a good model in my life that I can follow, and it’s affecting all aspects of my life, particularly my faith.

Many, many, many times I’ve wanted to start a conversation with my dad about this, but knowing him and having had a few unproductive conversations with him before, I don’t think there’s anything honest I could say that would help the situation in any way, so I’ve pretty much just tried to put this in God’s hands. However, my faith is low, as are my spirits. I’m stumped. I have no idea where to go or who to turn to or how to react to this situation. I feel like I’m becoming more and more disconnected with God every day, and I don’t want my faith to wither away. If prayer is the only solution, then I beg it of you.

[drb1200]

That must be really hard - I am praying.

[TheHobbit13]

I would love to have someone to look up to, to follow, to learn from, to model my life after, and to be proud of me. But I can’t help feeling like my dad is not that person. I feel like I just don’t really have a good model in my life that I can follow, and it’s affecting all aspects of my life, particularly my faith.

I think the most important thing you can do is to try to look up to him, even if you don't think he is the perfect role model. I only say this because I know that it is very discouraging when your kids don't look up to you (regardless of what you have done), it makes being a good dad that much harder. Consequently it makes your life that much more miserable. The whole thing is cyclical. So I would say, regardless of who is right or wrong, try to respect your dad for who he is. Hopefully this will encourage your dad to not lose his temper as much and to be a better Christian. If you still feel that you are continually giving 100% and he is only giving you 50% then talk to him about it in a respectful way, and if he is reasonable I am sure he will try to change.

[Professoralstad]

Have you talked to the person who knows your dad better than anyone else in the world, your mom, about any of this? Obviously, it depends on the situation, but while it's something you and your dad should resolve between the two of you, your mom would probably be a good person to go to for advice. Since you didn't mention her, I assume that your relationship with her is better? Either way, I'll be praying.

[Sadness]

Why don't you ask your dad to find a quiet place that you and he could sit down and talk. Before you start talking,I suggest you two first pray that the Holy Spirit be present and guide your talk/actions. I'll be praying that everything works out.

[JSB23]

Just remember there are people who care about you and are here for you

[The M]

Praying. Have you tried to do something fun with your dad or just have a time with you and him?
I think it is easier to start a conversation when you are both doing something you enjoy.

[Sean]

I started praying as I began reading. 

It seems your dad put out an "olive branch" when he was talking about the sermon with you.  Prayer is awesome but that doesn't mean you are a bump on the log and do nothing.  You said that you both spend a lot of time in your rooms, why not take some time to spend some time in his room?

Do not seek fulfillment from men.  That's what Christ is.

[BubbleBoy]

... regardless of who is right or wrong, try to respect your dad for who he is.

I'm trying to do that, but I'm finding it very difficult.

Have you talked to the person who knows your dad better than anyone else in the world, your mom, about any of this? Obviously, it depends on the situation, but while it's something you and your dad should resolve between the two of you, your mom would probably be a good person to go to for advice. Since you didn't mention her, I assume that your relationship with her is better? Either way, I'll be praying.

My relationship with my mom is definitely better, yet neither of my parents have ever seemed like people I could talk about my personal life with. I've done so with my dad once before and he simply made the situation very awkward, filled me with guilt, and didn't help me very much emotionally or practically, so that makes this matter all the more daunting.

Have you tried to do something fun with your dad or just have a time with you and him?

I honestly cannot think of a single thing both of us would enjoy doing together. I would love to have a common ground on which to strike up a conversation, but I just can't find one. He's not an outdoorsy person; neither of us likes sports that much; in general, neither of us really has any hobbies or interests at all, especially not any in common. In fact, I can't even recall a time when my dad has just been relaxed and comfortable doing something. He's very competitive and tries to calculate everything. I've never been in a comfortable situation with him and don't know what I could do to make one.

Prayer is awesome but that doesn't mean you are a bump on the log and do nothing.  You said that you both spend a lot of time in your rooms, why not take some time to spend some time in his room?

I don't think either of us would feel comfortable on "enemy ground."

I'm not trying to be negative here or avoid action, but I just can't imagine a positive outcome and I'm trying to form some sort of game plan before I go to tackle the issue so that I don't make it any worse. I'm trying to think of the whens wheres and hows but I'm thinking more and more that maybe winging it is the only way to go, hoping God guides me, but I find that more terrifying than almost anything I can think of.

[Sean]

Still praying for you.  Let us know of any updates.

[BubbleBoy]

Still praying. Still looking for a good opportunity and the right words. Thanks for your continual support.

[Bobbert]

Praying. I'm in a similar situation, so I know how you feel. One of the lessons I'm learning is that one of the hardest things in the world (for me at least) is to forgive, especially when it was someone you trust(ed). I don't know if this is your case, but if it is (or even if it isn't), show respect for him even if you don't feel any.

[BubbleBoy]

Just a little update. I feel a lot better about this situation now. I've been talking a bit more with my dad and have been trying to overcome all feelings of hostility and take an interest in his interests, and I feel like we've sort of made emotional contact. I can really feel some sort of relationship developing between us. I really feel like God has his hand in this situation.

In late August, I've decided to go with my dad and little brother to the "Teslathon" in Wisconsin. That's a bit further up his alley than mine, but I'm sure it will still be fun and I feel and hope it will be a good bonding experience.

Thank you all so much for your prayers and advice so far. I think they have really helped my situation. Please continue to keep me in mind.

[TheHobbit13]

Glad to hear it. 

[Sean]

I am very glad to hear your update!  I will continue to pray for you and your father.