Author Topic: Please Help Redemption Family  (Read 1572 times)

Offline KingLeo

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Please Help Redemption Family
« on: August 27, 2012, 01:20:13 PM »
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I submited an essay due to a challege made by College plus and I made an essay about Redemption. Please go to this website http://scholarships.collegeplus.org/essays/238-play-to-save

Thank You and here is my essay hope you enjoy.
(not sure if date of start is right so sorroy :(  )
                                                                            Play to Save


   The game of Redemption is a card game started by a Christian named Rob Anderson in 1996. It was created to be a replacement for Yugioh, Magic, and Pokemon card games. Redemption is based on the fundamentals of Christianity.
 The object of Redemption is to win lost souls and to do this you need heroes. Heroes have a cross in the upper left corner of the card to show that they are a hero, but winning a lost soul from your opponent is no easy task. Your opponent has evil characters that will try to block you and prevent you from saving their lost souls. In the battle for the lost souls, there are innumerable possibilities that can occur in a battle. You can use numbers, abilities, or both to win this battle to the death. There are also dominants which represent spiritual power in events such as the good dominant The Son of God which can save a lost soul instantly. There are also evil dominants like Christian Martyr which discards any one hero in play. There is also a scripture reference on each card which refers to what that card is in the Bible and where it can be found.  Whichever player saves five lost souls wins the game and is victorious over the opponent. You can build different decks with different heroes and evil characters with unique abilities that work well together. In one deck, you can use character cards that only come from the book of Genesis. You could also make a deck in which all of the characters are female. The possibilities and combinations are endless. The Redemption card game is my passion because it combines my two most beloved things in the world, God and strategy.
   Redemption is one of my favorite ministry tools and here are a few reasons why. It is universal and easy to learn. All you need to know is how to count and read which makes it applicable from first grade to above eighty years of age. Redemption also brings unity throughout the body of Christ because it stands firm in the foundation of Christianity. No matter your nationality, we can all stand in the arms of Christ, whether big or small, large or tall.
   Redemption also allows you to meet new people from across the nation. One of my friends, who I met through Redemption, had a friend who was an atheist and joined the play group of Redemption because the natural fun of the game. Eventually, he started to ask questions about the cards and came to Christ and accepted Jesus into his heart. This story is one that greatly motivates me to keep playing Redemption. I could eventually have the privilege of being a part of someone’s path to Christ.
   I have a vision for Redemption that will not happen very easily. I would like for Redemption to become known to the world. My vision is to create commercials, video games, and applications to digital media for the game. I want Redemption to go “viral!” I am tired of Satan having the best writers, technology and popularity. When I was younger, I loved the strategic board games and video games, but I could not find even one that could compare that did not go against Christianity, until I found Redemption. I would like Redemption to become the worst rival to World of Warcraft in video games and popularity. My vision is to play Redemption with twenty college students on a Saturday afternoon to pull them away from the enticements of this world.
   My vision cannot be accomplished without knowledge. I have always loved math and computers and I can’t wait to learn how to program. I want to have such versatility in technology that I can build a computer, program it, and then have the ability to create a video game for it. That is my hill, my challenge, my quest to conquer. I will choose which classes, which college, and what guidance I need to accomplish my vision.
   For these reasons, CollegePlus would be a great help to me. I could go to the school I choose. It would give me the knowledge and freedom to accomplish my vision. CollegePlus would give me the option to decide to stay in my community or go to another field of ministry to impact my vision on the world. It would help keep me out of debt, and would save my parents from the financial burden. It would help my vision become complete.
Mark Twain - Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog its too hard to read!

Offline TechnoEthicist

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Re: Please Help Redemption Family
« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2012, 01:27:07 PM »
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Leo, can your provide me a little more information about yourself (my college advisor alarms went off when I visited this website). Are you already a member of this organization? Are you graduating from high school this year or are you just filling out the essay to try to win the 25,000 towards college? I can help you out more after you give me this information. Thanks!

Rawrlolsauce!

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Re: Please Help Redemption Family
« Reply #2 on: August 27, 2012, 01:49:48 PM »
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I hope you do well in the competition, but I have a bit of constructive feedback. I'm not trying to offend, just help. I'm not the greatest writer myself, so take what I have to say with a grain of salt :p.

You need to work on writing a bit more. Your essay feels really choppy and it seems like you just plugged your ideas into a very generic outline (opening/background info, unclear thesis, introduction of body paragraphs, body body body, close with a recap and the conclusion seems to contradict the thesis.) Even your sentences seem to follow some sort of template you have embedded in your mind. It may just be me, but when I read them, they seemed the same. It felt like they had the same tone, the same wordage, and the same length, which really detracted from the flow of the paper. There's nothing inherently wrong with the typical 5-paragraph paper that we've all been taught, but you shouldn't default to it. Some papers are much stronger when written in different formats.

The prompt you were given was essentially "explain the value of our help in your academic pursuits." You do not even attempt to do that until your paper is more than half way over. I know the word count is limited and it is important to explain the background, but you need to be more succinct.  In fact, if I didn't read the prompt, I would have assumed that it was about your favorite ministry tools, NOT how this program would benefit you. It's really difficult to tell when there is no clear thesis and the outline you mention ("Redemption is one of my favorite tools and here's why") is really just more background. Also, I don't notice a strong logical progression from one idea to another. Your main "points" are supposed to flow naturally into each other. You can't just finish point one, throw in a transition, and go to point two. You have to connect them.

I feel like you didn't have a clear picture, either on paper or in your mind, of what your essay was going to look like before you started writing. You probably knew "I like Redemption for X, Y, and Z, so I'll write about those" and just started writing. Is this the case?
« Last Edit: August 27, 2012, 01:57:32 PM by Rawrlolsauce! »

Offline KingLeo

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Re: Please Help Redemption Family
« Reply #3 on: August 27, 2012, 01:53:25 PM »
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Thanks for the advice always looking to learn will pm you Techno

Thanks,
   KingLeo
Mark Twain - Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog its too hard to read!

 


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